I Will Think of You
by LyssaBea
Summary: This is a constant one-sided conversation Kate has in her head with Rick. Just when Kate thought her life had finally changed for good, the terrible sight in front of her tells once again, a story of loss and hurt. But this time, she is not alone to face her destiny... Character Death
1. Chapter 1

_**AN: A few nights ago I was watching late night tv hosts videos on YouTube and eventually came across a fan made Castle video. (You can see a connection there, right? Yeah, me neither. Oh, the powers of YouTube.) Anyway, this story is what happened. I wasn't sure I was going to post it. There are a few stories running out there full of angst, and tragedy, and all that good stuff. Anyways, this is a short story. I will post every day and be done by the weekend.**_

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This is a horrible day for the sun to be shining. It blinded me as I woke this morning. There is one only event going on today, but there is so much going on. Out in the city, in this loft and most of all, inside my head and heart.

Your mom and Alexis brought me from the Hamptons a few days ago. I don't remember the drive. After the initial shock of seeing your car in flames, I don't remember much. The amnesia I claimed to have after I was shot became real. Lanie said it was probably a blessing, having the ability to block that horrible day. But it was supposed to be a wonderful day. And I don't want to forget. Does that make me crazy?

There's so much I don't want to forget. It takes every ounce of strength I have to put my scattered thoughts into place. Alexis has been hovering over me. She brings me tea, makes sure I eat. She turned the shower for me yesterday. All I could do was stand inside the stall and cry. I can't cry in front of her. Lord knows I did enough of that back in the Hamptons.

She prefers to sleep in our bed. I wish I could say I do the same. I will lay with her until she falls asleep. But I know I'm not fooling her. The other night I got out of bed and went to your office. I was hoping if I sat in your chair, I would feel you.

Lanie refuses to go home, too. She has been sleeping upstairs. Between her, Martha, Alexis and Jenny, I am never alone. Yet, I feel the loneliest I've ever been…

All I know is, your funeral is today. I have tried to eat. I have had a cup of coffee (that I spiked with whiskey) and I am dressed. Jenny just did my make up, even though she cried the entire time. Her daughter sat quietly in the chair by the piano and then climbed into my lap. Kevin tried to take her, but she held on tighter. My thoughts slipped to the fact that I will never hold our children in my lap.

I will never soothe a teething baby.

I will never hear "Momma" for the first time and you will never hear "Daddy" again.

We will never have little feet scamper down the hall and jump into our bed when a storm is raging outside.

My mind is flooded with memories of you. The time we huddled for warmth in the freezing truck, all of your sexual innuendos before we got together, how I fell in love with you and watched you gradually change into the wonderful man you became; the man of my dreams. You were everything I never knew I always wanted.

The pallbearers carry your coffin to the gravesite. I can't bear to call it a casket. That word has a new meaning to me now. Even though you were not a cop, all officers in attendance wore their dress uniforms. Alexis picked out a beautiful floral arrangement for the top.

I sat at the front of the crowd, prepared to deliver your eulogy. I was still in a state of shock, even though it has been two weeks since… My dad is here. He is next to Martha, Alexis is on the other side of her. They are her pillars of strength. I have yet to see your Mom cry. I wonder if behind the dark sunglasses the tears have gathered. Maybe I have cried enough for both of us.

I want to give your eulogy, but how do I say goodbye? When I think of you, there are no words to tell the world what you meant to me. My Aunt Theresa came over yesterday. In her unique way, she was bustling with food, condolences and advice. She brought me to the bedroom and sat on the bed to talk. Castle, I couldn't believe it. It was like my mother was here. She gave me some comfort. She suggested I read my vows as your eulogy. I'm consumed with loss.

That crushing, heavy pain deep in my chest…

The aching lump in the back of my throat…

The stinging eyes…

The headaches from crying…

Gut wrenching pain…

Heart palpitations…

Loss of purpose… emptiness… meaninglessness…

Mood swings…

Nightmares…

Numbness…

They say grief is a healing process.

Then why is it the hurt so absolutely devastating? It doesn't feel like healing. To break the bond feels as if we will die ourselves.

I'm not sure what I am going to do. All I have in front of me is a blank sheet of paper.

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_**Reviews are love ;)**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Okay... here is the next chapter. Just a few more to go ;) Thank you for the reviews and follows. I appreciate it.**_

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It's been four months since your funeral. I still can't face the lonely nights. I try to stay at work until everyone at home has gone to bed. Alexis moved back home, by the way. I enjoy her company, when I am there. I sleep on the couch. Alicia, the housekeeper, told me she would continue to change the sheets, even though she knows I am not sleeping in the bed. She also promised to not say anything to Martha or Alexis, although I know they already know.

I heard Alexis crying a few days ago. I went to her room and didn't even bother to knock. Her room was dark; I don't think she heard me enter. She took a few ragged breaths and I felt so sorry for her. I climbed in bed with her and just held her tight. There were, and still are, so many nights that I cry myself to sleep. I was so sure life couldn't go one without you. But it did. Sort of. The clock keeps ticking, the world keeps spinning and murders keep happening. It still hurts. It hurts so much that I feel like my chest will cave in and the only thing stopping it is the gasps of air I have to take between the tears.

Your chair is still beside my desk. Esposito had it moved to storage during the two weeks I was away from work. I threw a fit when I returned and discovered it missing. I yelled at him, Ryan and LT. Really, anyone within hearing distance got an earful. I remember Ryan tried to calm me down, but I had to run to the ladies room for privacy. I locked the door and collapsed to the floor. I couldn't stop the tears. I know I am hurting the people I love, but I can't help it. And sometimes, I just don't care. I was later told that the locked door was not much of a buffer between the bullpen and my cries.

Yeah, I didn't stay at the precinct much that day. Gates sent me home after I calmed down. I know Espo was just being protective. But if I accepted that your chair was gone, it meant I accepted you were gone. I know the body in the car was yours. Everyone hoped it wasn't, but when the DNA came back as a positive match. How could we argue? Alexis made Lanie compare dental records and that was a match, too. Captain Brody investigated your death and it was a simple accident. A young mother was driving home from school to get her daughter. The grandma was babysitting and was late for a meeting. The mom looked down at her phone and didn't realize she also accelerated. When she looked up, she was too close to your car to stop or swerve. Once she hit your car and stopped, she called the police. The embankment was too steep for her to climb down to render aid. The car burst into flames before help arrived.

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_**Reviews are love!**_


	3. Chapter 3

Seven months have passed and Christmas is right around the corner. Alexis made me go to the Hamptons with her. She said it is harder to have the holiday at the loft than at the beach. For the first time in years, I am spending Christmas at home. My dad is here, too. A snowstorm should blow in tonight and give us a white Christmas.

None of us bought gifts or decorated. Your mom did have dinner catered, enough for twenty people. The caterer was relieved when she asked for Mexican dishes instead of the traditional holiday feast. Before we left the city, I went for a walk and ended up at the cemetery. I buried you next to my mother. It just seemed like the right thing to do. When we buried my mother, my father bought the plot to the left of her and the two to the right of her. He never told me until you passed. He said he figured I would be on one side and he would be on the other. When I asked why the extra plot, he smiled and said it was cheaper buying four.

It rained as I left the cemetery. I looked to the sky and smiled for the first time. I knew that was from you. What choice did I have but to go to our swings? I have sat there in the rain before, thinking of you. I am ashamed to say, but this time I went home and got drunk. Unlike the time before, when I came to your loft and we made love for the first time. Martha was at a play and Alexis was at a study group. I turned my phone off and went for the liquor cabinet. You always had the best whiskey. There was a bottle that had been opened and very little was gone. I took care of that…

Alexis came home and found me at the piano. The empty bottle of whiskey was resting on its side where sheet music would sit. She said I was pecking at the keys and singing horribly off-key. I had already changed my clothes before the night slipped too far into the bottle. She was kind enough to put me in bed.

Do you remember our last walk in the rain? I held your hand so close. The thunder was deafening, the rain was so cold, but with you by my side, I felt so warm. I don't think I ever told you that you were my salvation. You saved me when I wouldn't save myself. You showed me courage and strength I didn't know I owned. I would have kept you outside forever if I had known that was our last walk in the rain.

On the lonely nights, I yearn to hear your voice. Sometimes, I will pull your books from the shelves and read your words. I hear you when I read Rook. It's the only way I can keep your voice alive inside my mind. I wish I could have memorized every word you ever said whispered. So many times, you would say something really small and simple, but it was the right fit into an empty space in my heart. You were such a big part of my life. And now... now you're just gone.

I have had so many people come in and out of my life. But none of them stood beside me like you. You loved me until I was "me" again. I wandered around in darkness for far too long. You were my beacon. I was so foolish to think that you would always be there. Castle, did you feel loved by me? Did I express to you that my love for you will go on and on? I would give anything to stop the dawn the last night I was by your side.

I still wear our rings on my necklace. I can't help but think they rest right above my broken heart.

I used to think that I couldn't go a day without you.

Without your smile.

Without your touch.

Without telling you things and hearing your voice.

But that day arrived and the truth is, it was so damn hard. And what's worse? The next day was harder. Regardless of how much I thought I could prepare myself, deep down I knew it was going to get worse and I wasn't going to be okay. No, I am not going to be okay. Not for a very long time.

Because losing someone isn't an episode or an incident. You see it doesn't just happen once. But repeatedly… Over and over and over and over again...

Every time I pick up your coffee mug, I lose you.

Every time I hear that one song, I lose you.

Every time I discover your t-shirt underneath my laundry, I am right back there. Without you…

I lose you at the end of a long day when I think about kissing you. When I close my eyes at night, wishing you were holding me, I lose you. When I wake in the middle of the night wanting you, I lose you.

If I have been lucky to sleep at all, in the morning, when I reach for the empty space in bed, it starts all over and I begin to lose you. Again, I am alone. Always.

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_**Sorry, had to delete the previous posting of this chapter. If you missed it, yay! **_

_**We're half way through.**_

_**Reviews are welcomed! **_


	4. Chapter 4

Tomorrow marks a year that you have been gone. I've been in the darkest of black with my loneliness and sorrow. Everyone expected me to take time off from work, but I'm right in the middle of a really big case. This is one I could definitely use your help with. It looks like we have a woman serial killer. She's a ruthless bitch, too. She has killed men, women and three children.

Our latest victim, and youngest, was named Richard. He was really cute. He had light brown hair and blue eyes. The day I went to the morgue, I thought he would have already been moved to a funeral home. And these damn tears began to creep up on me without any warning. My lips started to quiver, my heart pounded in my ears and my eyes stung. I tried to clench my face, but the tears began to fall.

I've come to learn that grief is like an ocean. It ebbs and flows in waves. At times, the water is calm. But at times is it overwhelming. I'm still learning how to swim and not be taken under in this vast ocean.

I can't stop the tears no matter how hard I try. The day I was with Lanie and Richard's small body, the tears were not little tears. Not the little ones that slide down your cheeks. No, it was big tears that leave my eyes red and puffy, my face tear stained and caused my body to heave. I was overwhelmed by the loss of you and now this family with their little boy. He was their miracle baby. They had tried for years to conceive and finally turned to a surrogate. Ricky was their third try. I kept remembering the time at Kevin and Jenny's wedding when I told you maybe the third time was the charm.

If I can't stop the tears, will I ever be able to stop the pain? Stop the suffering? There's nothing I can do, nothing anyone can say to ease this pain. It's been a year of tears and pain. I've become tired of listening to the sound of my tears.

No, I am not seeing Dr Burke anymore. I saw him the first six months and couldn't do it anymore. I guess these are tears and pain that has to be cried out, not talked out. Is there light at the end of this tunnel? I feel like I am drowning, except I can see everyone around me is breathing. And I want to be strong. I really do. But I can't help bursting out crying sometimes, because I just don't know how things will get better. I keep telling myself that I'll be okay, just not today. I've said it 364 times…

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_**Only two more to go...**_


	5. Chapter 5

Today is the day. I was awake until after four this morning before exhaustion finally set in. My phone woke me just three hours later. I received a call that our suspect had been found and the officers called for backup. I cannot stay home today. I have to bring justice to the many families this woman has damaged. A small part of me supposes I will bring justice to all of us, too.

Nicole Larson has done hideous things and she finally slipped. Today, I will arrest her and stop her streak of evil. We have been called to an abandoned warehouse. This is routine, yet you're not here.

A young officer took the fun out of the day and has placed Nicole in cuffs. She's not exactly what I expected. Wearing a casual blue shirt, she looks more like your average businesswomen and not a cold-blooded killer. Her short blonde hair is wind blown. I looked into her green eyes as I walked past her.

While the officers are briefing us on the situation, Nicole caused a ruckus and confusion ensued. Before we knew what happened, she was out of her cuffs and on the run. Of course, I gave chase. I should have known to use caution as I rounded the corner into the alley. She was no-where to be found and I didn't have back up. Before I knew what happened, she had the drop on me. Three shots to the chest and I am on the ground.

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_**I know this one is short, but the ending is near.**_


	6. Chapter 6

This is one of the craziest dreams I have had in a long time. But I am so tired, I can't open my eyes. I hear sirens as I fade in and out of consciousness. My shirt is sticky and a rookie is pressing hard on my chest. Ryan keeps screaming for me to stay with him. Where does he think I am going? I don't have the strength to wrestle this cop off of me. I feel the pressure of the officer, but not much else. My eyelids are heavy. I got way too little sleep last night. The blue and red lights are calming, though. And pretty, so pretty.

Things are quieter. The sirens have stopped and the lights are gone. I hear voices shouting orders to each other. Someone said something about a chest tube was needed to drain the blood. A young woman keeps hollering out numbers that seem to change with the annoying beeps in the air. I want the pretty lights back. Right before I go back to sleep, I see a masked man's face. I wish I could say it was Batman, but I don't think so. Batman would make this story a little more believable.

There's a high-pitched monotone and a bright light. The tone is getting softer as the light is getting brighter. I've got to open my eyes and wake up, that sound might be my alarm.

When I open my eyes, the sun is blinding me again. Or maybe it was the bright light from before I fell asleep. The pain in my chest is gone, both from the bullets and the ache of my heart. I can't focus. Everything is so bright.

And, then, there you are. In a year, I have had dreams and nightmares and you have never appeared in any of them.

_"Castle? What are you doing here?" _You're as gorgeous as ever. Your hair is soft, your eyes are the clearest blue and your smile is bright, captivating.

_"Hi Kate. It's your time to join me."_

_"Join you, what do you mean?" _None of the last hour has made sense.

_"Don't just stand there. Kiss me. The skeptic you is up for the ride of a lifetime. Literally. Time for the here-after."_

_"Wh–what?" _This is not the time for cryptic wild theories, Castle!

_"Kate, remember our vows? That time when I was so afraid that you made me tell them to you out loud at our swings? Well, this is what I meant by them… Take my hand and cross over the light with me, babe. To our Always."_

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_**Thanks for coming along on this short ride. I know this hasn't ended as many expected, but it's just a story. Whether in life or death, love does go on.**_

_**This is the video that started it all (just remove the spaces)... youtube watch ? v = 11FW0VlBDjU**_

_**I have a few stories in the pipes, awaiting to be edited before they will be posted.**_


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